10 pm, Wornout Journals, Cinnamon Coffee & Salted Wound– SIA
I know I have been off for a pretty long time and want to apologize to all my readers for it but let me tell you this post is going to be little different. I was not thinking of posting anything about my feelings as I m not sure how my readers will react to this but I want to share my ups and downs with people who love reading my blog, I hope m doing right..?
When you are writing or handling a blog you should put your heart into it and be completely honest to every word you share online. Why was I off for so long? To answer this I need to share my side of the story with you guys. I m just trying to be completely honest. For many of you, it may not even matter but still I want to do this. Guess sharing this will help me feel little better.Even after facing tons of difficulties in life I somehow managed to start and run this blog but few things did cross my path taking me down. I started this blog with an aim of writing this I love doing and enjoy my daily life. My readers made me feel vulnerable and extremely happy because they were appreciating my work.
Finally, the time came when something else distracted me completely. It didn’t bother me at first but when things became out of control it totally freaked me out. I was suffering from some kind of skin infection, at first, I thought it’s just little winter season dryness my face if dealing with and it can probably deal with it for later. Letting it go was the only option I could think at that moment.
My face was not getting normal and I could see that thing growing instead making my face darker every passing day. It was killing me on the insides and the outsides. Applying heavy moisturizers and chapsticks didn’t serve as well. They helped when this problem started but later they were all useless to me. I hated taking pictures and avoided going out to too. Every person I met used to ask me:
What is wrong with your skin??
Why are your lips so dark??
Why are they so dry??
What is happening to you??
They were asking me too many questions to which I had no answers. (Seriously no answers) Not even my doctors were having a proper explanation to this thing then how could they expect anything from me. I was only growing upset by this. All I managed to say was:
“I m suffering from a skin infection and m on a treatment for now”. That’s it. This skin problem was getting on my nerves taking all my confidence, vulnerability & happiness down. I could not feel or look beautiful anymore.
I used to look at a mirror and ask god why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong? when will this get over? Please god, help me. I cut myself off everything like Facebook, Instagram, and my blog because I was not having the courage of facing them and posting about me anymore. I kept on thinking what others would say? how will they react when they will see pictures of mine. (The way I was looking was not less than being horrible) How could I have dared to post a pic when I was looking soo ugly. I was thinking so much about it that I could have even passed out. I just kept sitting on the edge of my bed looking outside the window thinking where my life is going? what is happening to me? how will I recover from this? How will I achieve my goals? and days passed on making me weaker. I was having many occasions ahead of me like sisters wedding, Eid celebration and family get together but I kept on worrying how would I wear any makeup if my face will not get normal because my skin was not ready for any type of cosmetics. The dry skin could be seen coming off every part of my face making me look horrible. Tears used to shred down my eyes every time I looked myself in the mirror, lips so dark, face full of dry skin (what else was I supposed to do?) This problem was having some kind of on and off button, it used to disappear after 2 months and surprise me back after 15 days making me feel sick again. I still somehow managed to survive all these special occasions of my life.
After 2 months of continues irritation and itching, I finally decided to visit a doctor. This doctor I met first was not taking me seriously at all, he was laughing when I shared my lips are getting darker and skin is coming off and face is getting red and black. He was not bothered to help me. He wrote some medicines and ointments to put on affected areas. I was on a month treatment and being completely loyal to myself I was following this treatment by heart but could see no difference. I decided to pay a visit again and there he was giving me explanations to avoid few things and I will be ok. Again I was on a month treatment and no chance of improvement could see. I went to a very well know doctor in my town hoping to get a better advice and treatment and m still under his treatments now.
The first doctor said :
1)Your skin is not ready to face too much coldness so stay away from plants.
2)Don’t apply any cosmetics or makeup and keep your face covered while you are out.
I mean how would I meet and go out with my face being covered. Was this some kind of joke??
He asked me to get a blood test and thank goodness everything was normal and again I was left with no sign of disease.
Today it’s been like 8-9 months and m still suffering from this skin infection though I have switched my doctor and now m under a better treatment. I hope and pray this time it works for me. I don’t know how this happened and how can I get rid of it. I m forced to sit back home because of this. I have gone deep down into my shell hiding from the outside world. I hope and pray this treatment would solve my problem. I still take few pictures every day but avoid taking my face guess m still not feeling that confident.
I love writing and sharing things, it makes me happy and to feel that little happiness again I m writing about this. Warm wishes and helpful tips are always welcomed. If anyone knows anything about this kind problem or has any suggestion please do comment. I would love to hear from you. I don’t wanna fight this thing alone and I need supportive people around me. Hiding is not a good option so I m sharing my story hoping to get some supportive feedback. It would really help me live an easier live ahead. I will be back with an amazing post. See you all very soon. Lots of love XOXO